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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25551922">New Year's</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/taireible/pseuds/taireible'>taireible</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coming Out, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Girls Kissing, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, New Year's Eve, definitely not inspired by true events hahaha jk... unless?, not actually slurs but definitely that sentiment, sorta - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:07:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25551922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/taireible/pseuds/taireible</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Issa arrives to her friend Ellis's New Year's Eve party expecting nothing more than a night of pining over her longtime crush, Johanna. But when the night takes a couple twists and turns, she gets a whole lot more than she bargained for.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Female Character/Original Female Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>New Year's</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>lmao so i used to be a les mis fan account and haven't posted on or even opened ao3 in years. but i wrote this in january when i was Yearning (and dealing w some internalized homophobia lol), and when i revisited it recently i thought "you know what, it's quarantine i bet theres a lot of wlw out there who wanna get kissed in a darkened room just like i do" so here you go. content. go forth, be gay, love u</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I streak the scented chapstick across my lips, even though I will </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> be kissing Johanna Kingfletcher at Ellis Ivies’s New Year’s Eve party tonight. I am sure of this for three reasons: one, because I am not even certain that she’ll be there; two, because it is a family party, and how we would evade Ellis’s parents and our own I do not know; and three, because she has no idea that I am madly in love with her or even that I am a lesbian, and so the chances of her reciprocating my feelings in </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> tangible way are practically zero. Maybe even negative. So no, I will not be kissing Johanna tonight. But dammit, I wanna smell like watermelon, so I put the chapstick on anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the car with my mom, I think about Johanna. Every sensible bone in my body is telling me not to get my hopes up, precisely for the aforementioned reasons. Optimism slithers in anyway. I know the more I expect her to be there, the less likely it is that she will be. Which is a very stupid way for the world to work, in my opinion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Honestly, maybe it’s overdramatic to say I’m in love with Johanna. In reality, I don’t know what love is. And I think if I was in it, I would know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So maybe I don’t love Johanna. But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> Johanna. I like her a lot. I really want to kiss Johanna, and I want desperately for her to kiss me. She won’t, despite what my elevated heart rate would like to suggest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I make smalltalk with my mom until we pull into Ellis’s driveway. I love my mom, but not in the way that make it easy to tell her I’m gay. I think secretly she already knows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellis greets me at the door with a smile and a hug. She’s cut her hair recently, which reminds me that I don’t see her as much as I used to. We were best friends in middle school, and we still are now, just from further away. I miss her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides Ellis, her parents, and a bunch of their friends, the party attendees consist of me and my mom, Georgia Roth and her parents, and- I see in glorious beauty standing with her family across the room- Johanna Kingfletcher. I breathe in relief and smile. She is here. Now there are only two reasons for us not to kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the only youths in attendance, and as a group of friends (albeit of varying degrees), me and Ellis and Georgia and Johanna stick together. We find a corner of the living room and sit and chat and laugh, until Ellis suggests we move to the basement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It might be a little chilly,” she says, “but it’s more private, so we can be louder.” I infer that what she means is, we can swear and make innuendos and talk about Private Matters. She’s right, so we go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The basement </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a little cold, but it is tidy, with a main hall, a guest bedroom, a bathroom, and some closets. We settle into the bedroom, and the conversation turns to which of our friends are out at which ragers tonight while we’re tucked away at this tame suburban house party. We are all fine with staying in, it seems.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would never get away with going out,” shrugs Ellis.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I’m all for being wild, but every night can’t be a crazy one, right? At a certain point you start wasting away,” adds Georgia.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think I have control over where I go at night?” Johanna says, smiling softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nod along. Her dark and curly hair cascades over her beautiful shoulders and down her back, bouncing on the hood of her brightly-colored jacket. It hurts that she will never love me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doorbell rings from upstairs. Ellis stands up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should probably go up and greet them,” she explains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go too, and get some food,” says Georgia. I can’t think fast enough before they’re gone, and then- I’m alone in a basement with Johanna Kingfletcher. Problem two eliminated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I look at her, and her eyes flit back and forth, to and from my face. She is suddenly nervous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Issa, can I talk to you?” she asks, and my heart rate accelerates to 100 miles per hour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” I manage. Hope spikes unwisely in my chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hesitates. “Can we do it… in here?” She points to the bathroom and glances at the stairs. The speed of my breathing skyrockets. It’s gonna happen it’s gonna happen it’s gonna happen. All along, it wasn’t impossible! Finally. She’ll confess her feelings for me and we’ll make out. Just like I imagined.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nod, and so does she, and we move into the small space. She takes a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to talk to you… about something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About what?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Here we go.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s… Issa, I’ve noticed that you’re different. From other girls.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Say it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you, uh, the way you, act. And the way you… yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Come on.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. So I just, uh, wanted to ask you, because you know I value you as a person, and you’re… important to me, I just wanted to ask…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Say it!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Issa, are you a homosexual?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My heart stops in its tracks. My vision swims. It’s not the question I was expecting, nor the one I wanted. She is so earnest, and we are so close in the tight bathroom. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Okay. This can still be okay. She wants to know for sure before she asks the bigger question.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>I exhale. “…yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is still strange to say it out loud, my identity. I am not used to it. It is even worse to admit it to Johanna- beautiful Johanna Kingfletcher, the girl I want most to kiss, staring me in the eye and asking me uncomfortably if I like girls. I’ve only ever told two people, Ellis and my cousin Jake, that I’m gay. Well, and now Johanna, I guess. And every second I grow more and more wary of the way she said </span>
  <em>
    <span>homosexual</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The word, for some reason, stings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I feel her breath on my neck. “Are you sure?” she asks. I nod.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pauses. The silence seems to last forever. I can’t stand it. Though I can sense it’s a bad idea, I steal a glance at her lips. She notices, and recoils the tiniest bit. My heart sinks below the floor. I pretend I didn’t see her reaction. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t take this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Johanna?” I prompt her. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why are you doing this to me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She inhales sharply, as if snapping out of a daydream state, and clears her throat. “Issa,” she begins, and I can tell I’m not gonna like what she says. “If that is the way you want to live, then I… support you. I… don’t want things to change between us. In </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is code, and I can tell. I hear it in her voice. My skin prickles- </span>
  <em>
    <span>how did she find out? Am I really that obvious? Does anyone else know? Why is she doing this to me!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Suddenly it feels dirty to look anywhere in the room that could be interpreted as suggestive, so I stare dead into her bright blue eyes. All of my chances with Johanna are over. She said it in code, but she made it very clear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Johanna closes her eyes. “I should probably go,” she whispers. “My parents will want to leave soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My head feels fuzzy, my senses aren’t working right, but something in me gives me the power to say “Wait!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Halfway out the bathroom door, Johanna turns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly I feel small again. “Why… why did… why in here?” I say, gesturing to the room around me. I don’t say what I’m really wondering: </span>
  <em>
    <span>were you </span>
  </em>
  <span>trying</span>
  <em>
    <span> to torture me?!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She shrugs, although she looks the opposite of nonchalant. “I didn’t think you’d want anyone else to hear. If it was true. To know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then she opens the door to the stairs and leaves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sink down against the wall of the hallway. I don’t know what to think. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pull yourself together. Quickly.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I close my eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, the stairway door creaks open, and I look to see who it is. It’s not Georgia, with a plate of food, nor is it Johanna, back to fix everything or make it all worse; it’s Ellis, my closest friend and ally. I breathe a small sigh of relief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” she says, closing the door. “Georgia had to go- she says goodbye- and I saw that Johanna left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I can only nod. I never told Ellis about my feelings for Johanna. Maybe we have been drifting apart. But then I see Ellis’s face change, and I realize she still knows me better than anyone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on,” she says, and I follow her into the guest bedroom, where we sit on the floor at the foot of the bed, backs pressed against the wooden bedstead. “This is a good place for secrets. Issa, you can tell me what happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I look her in the eye and remember all the immense trust I have in her. The one and only person- besides my cousin Jake- that I can tell anything. I swallow, and then sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She- Johanna, I mean- she asked me if I was, if I’m, you know, if I’m gay. ‘A homosexual,’ she said. Who even says it like that anymore?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you told her…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The truth, yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And she…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellis, I was right when I said the chance of her liking me was negative. Zero would be if she didn’t have feelings for me. Negative is because I disgust her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, no. But I know that’s what she meant.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellis turns to me in the dim room, which is lit mostly by the moonlight coming in through the windows. “Issa, do you love her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I look at my hands. “I don’t know. No. I guess not. But I like her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want to kiss her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I really do. Did. I don’t know. I mean, it’s all so stupid. I barely know her, right! Maybe I’m just lonely, maybe that’s all. Maybe I just want-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stop. Ellis has placed her hand on mine. She runs her thumb along my palm. I look up at her face, her eyes sparkling in the semi-dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get it,” she whispers with a smile, and in that moment I both comprehend everything and know absolutely nothing at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not sure how it happens, but one second we lock eyes, the next she wraps her hand around the back of my head, her fingers in my hair, and then her lips are on mine, mine are on hers, together. I have never done this before, but I realize that she must have, because she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>damn</span>
  </em>
  <span> good at it. The kiss tastes like watermelon, which I then remember is me, not her. I lean into her, just a little, hoping with all my might that I’m doing something at least partially correctly. Ellis continues kissing me, so I assume I can’t be all bad, even though I doubt I measure up to her apparent expertise. I never want this to end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately we have to break apart for air, and that’s when it hits me: I just kissed my best friend, who is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> Johanna Kingfletcher but rather Ellis Ivies, in her basement on New Year’s Eve, right after the girl I thought I loved told me she didn’t like me back. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What the hell!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ellis,” I stammer, “what just happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her face is flushed. “We don’t have to… go on or even talk about it if you don’t want to. Did I- was that too much?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No- no! That’s not what I’m worried- Ellis, what does this mean? For us?” I stand up and start to pace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stands too and I stop moving. “It doesn’t have to mean anything at all,” she says, biting her lip. I think we both know that’s a lie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it’s not like I’m in love with Ellis. And I’m pretty sure Ellis is not in love with me, although I guess I’m learning tonight how little I really know about her. All I’m certain of is that she’s not just a great friend but an excellent kisser too, and that yes, I would definitely like to make out with her again. So, even though I know better, I smile and I say, “That’s true,” and she pushes me against the bedroom wall and I am walking on air once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I leave with my mom at 10:30, Ellis and I say goodbye like friends. We nod out a silent agreement: there will be a time to talk about tonight, but now is not that time. We will usher in the new year with foolish and ill-advised emotion; reason and solemnity can wait a while. Not forever, I know. But a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the car, my mind drifts to Johanna. I put on chapstick for her, and she gave me nothing in return except disappointment and a little more fear that I’ll never be normal to other girls. I have never put on chapstick for Ellis, but she has me so lost in strange wonder and eagerness and disbelief that I’m starting to think I should. From time to time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t know what it all means.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I like kissing Ellis, but she’s not Johanna. I like Johanna, but I don’t love her. I don’t love Ellis, but she is a good kisser. Ellis is a good kisser but before we kissed, we were friends, best friends, distance the only hitch in our love and trust and sacred bond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was before. Anything might come after. I don’t know yet. I will have to wait and see.</span>
</p>
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